I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
