Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
