We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
