Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
