Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
