I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
