I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
