Her vagina should come with caution tape.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
