now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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