dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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