This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
