You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
