Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This house was built for laser tag.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
