So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
