Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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