I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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