I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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