Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
