I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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