I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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