At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
