At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
