I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
