If i come over, it means nothing
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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