Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
