omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
