ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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