So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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