my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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