Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
