Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
