Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
