I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
