I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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