i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
