did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
