pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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