It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
