omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
