so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
