Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
