apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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