I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
