what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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