so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
