I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You are the jesus of drinking
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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