I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
