I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
