I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
