Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
