you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
