I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
