I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
