apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
